There was a moment in time I did not know what my favorite color was, what my hobbies were, my favorite food, or even what I did in my free time.
And I am being completely honest.
I had no idea WHO I was.
When they say the eating disorder robs you of who you are, they are not lying.
I was no longer the Maggie I remembered.
I was a Maggie fixated on numbers, time, past, future, isolation, restriction, rigidity…
But no care for the Maggie right here, right now.
My world felt upside down and I could not even remember how it once was.
I knew I had to discover WHO I was outside of the eating disorder.
I knew I had to reconnect with my core values.
Only…I did not know where to even start. My thinking was completely ‘all or nothing.’
I either wanted the ED identity fully or it to be all gone at once. I did not want to battle the inbetween.
The thought of forming a new identity felt exhausting, but living with the eating disorder felt terrifying…AND I knew living with both was impossible.
FIguring out this journey was hard and scary.
I had to fall and get back up several times.
The ONLY thing that felt solid, believable, and safe on the road to identity discovery was my faith.
I talked to God a lot.
I prayed a lot.
I worshiped a lot.
I sought out scripture a lot.
I trusted and leaned into positive influences a lot.
A God send on this journey was a mentor/professional/true life savor-Emily-reminded me of this verse constantly and it has easily become my anthem:
‘Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a NEW thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:18-19.
I am okay.
I am being made new.
I do not have to be who I once was.
My relationship with God helped me rebuild my relationship with myself.
I would not know WHO I was, if I did not know who HE was.
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