I feel so blessed to be alive and well to share my rescue story.
My life was taken captive by the chains of multiple eating disorder diagnosis, anxiety, ocd, and depression for several years. After years of holding trauma from loss, natural disasters, sexual harassment, and the society we live in…these came to be my top coping skills. My only way of coping with life was slowly killing me.
I was always a kid that lacked self confidence, struggled with social anxiety, and had a fear connected to superstitions, numbers, and intrusive thoughts. All of these things were huge components of my disorder.
The disorder robbed me of friendships, college, memories, my personality, physical and mental health, passion…and life overall.
In the year of 2020, my life was nearly taken. But, still, it was not enough. Nothing was ever enough for the eating disorder.
I found myself in my first ever residential eating disorder treatment, unwillingly, and left worse than I came. It’s so crazy to look back on these moments and how strong the eating disorder really was. A month later I was hospitalized after the eating disorder almost won. I tried for several months to convince myself I’d be okay. But I wasn’t okay. I didn’t understand the complexity of recovery both mentally and physically. And I had no idea how trapped I really was.
In January of 2021 my life changed.
I was in need of inpatient care again, and my family and outpatient team found Selah house. My family and I were still traumatized from my first treatment experience, but knew my life was on the line.
I couldn’t be more thankful.
Selah house saved my life.
I found myself entering the doors of Selah House for treatment three different times over the course of two years and each time I became farther and farther from the eating disorder.
Each treatment stay was so different, and I learned so much.
Most importantly, my mindset shifted positively each time.
I remember when I first started recovery I was so confused. I was ready for someone to just “fix me.” I didn’t understand HOW to do it, I wanted someone to do it for me. And I was terrified. Slowly I started to learn how in control I had to be. I learned that I was the deciding factor if I would recover or not. I was in charge of myself.
This took a lot of trust in professionals that tried to assure me.
Confidence in myself and my body.
Support from the people who love me and walk alongside me.
And most importantly, faith. Jesus saved me. I was dead, but now I’m alive. And it could only be Jesus!
During my time at Selah house not only did I find myself, but I found Jesus. I learned the importance of connection, trust, faith, hope, prayer, confidence, and the inner strength God had given me.
There’s so many things I learned in treatment. And, so much trial and error of finding out what would work best for me and my recovery. I soon had to discover patience and give myself grace. It was inevitable to not have lapses. It was inevitable to not ‘mess up.’ It was all about what I did in those moments. These moments started as spirals but turned into really good lessons.
The very beginning of my journey I was told two things: “you are going to have moments AND you can not give up.” And “feel the fear and do it anyways.”
This journey was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, AND the most rewarding. I wouldn’t wish my BEST day in the eating disorder on anyone.
Recovery IS worth it.
Recovery IS possible.
I remember when I believed there was no life for me and that I would never be able to leave the eating disorder, but here I am…living not just simply surviving.
Each day a further step from the eating disorder is a step towards light. And each step towards light is a step further into the beautiful life God has created.
I’m thankful I’m no longer bound by the chains of the eating disorder. I’m thankful I chose recovery. I'm thankful for Selah house. And, I'm so very thankful for life.
I’m filled with gratitude for my time(s) at Selah House, the life long friends and amazing staff I met while there, and the motivation to keep going and keep choosing life.
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