Hallelujah

One Sunday at church my Grandaddy beautifully sang the words, “Let me tell you ‘bout my Jesus. And let my Jesus change your life. Hallelujah.”

I found myself sitting in the congregation with the biggest grin on my face. Because, HALLELUJAH Jesus has changed my life!

I remember the days when slowly killing myself felt good.

I remember the days of falling asleep knowing there was a high chance I would not wake up the next morning, and it still felt good.

I remember the days of my blood sugar dropping so low I should not have been here, and it still felt good.

I remember the days when I pushed away every single person I loved and that loved me, and it still felt good.

I remember how impossible getting out of bed felt, and it still felt good.

Slowly killing myself felt good.

Then there were moments. Several moments…that brought me back to life.

I remember the first moment so clearly.

It was Christmas morning and I was sitting in the kitchen in tears. I lived with my Grandaddy at the time, he walked over wrapped me in his arms and cried with me.

I was sitting in the hospital in tears. The sweetest nurse came in and said, “This is going to be hard, you are going to have moments, AND you can not give up.”

I was sitting in the backyard of a friend's house in Florida, as my best friend since kindergarten cried and said she had cried to her mom countless times as she feared for my life.

I was in tears on my bedroom floor as my mom held me, also in tears, just reminding me over and over to keep going.

I was sitting at my aunt and uncle's house with my family as my little cousin looked up at his mom and said, “Why can’t maymie play anymore?”

I was sitting in my therapist’s office with my whole team and mom as we were all in tears and my therapist said, “You are about to die, something has to change.”

I was sitting in Selah with Marcie and she said, “I do not want the next time I see you to be in your casket, you have to keep going.”

I was sitting in church and my Grandaddy sang, “Let me tell you ‘bout my Jesus and let my Jesus change your life, hallelujah.”

Along the way Jesus has brought me back to life. The last two years have been terrible. Truly. But, because of Jesus, I was saved.

Life is beautiful.

And…

Life is worth living.

Without the really scary moments, and the moments that caught my attention, I would not have been brought back to life. I fully believe going through something that completely destroyed me, ultimately saved me.

I would not be where I am with Jesus.

I would not believe in the grace of God.

I would not know who I am.

I would not be living the way that I am.

So, hallelujah Jesus, thank you for changing my life.