As I sat in the back of the car everything seemed to stand still as the question, ‘Who I am I without all of this?’ crossed my mind.
And when my mind said ‘All this,’ it was referring to the eating disorder and all it had done to my mind, body, and life overall.
For a while I did not know who I was, and I could not picture me without the eating disorder.
Who would I be?
What would life be like?
How would life change?
What would I have to face that I have been avoiding?
What would other people think or say?
My irrational mind thought the eating disorder was easier, it told me it was good.
My mind told me the thing that was killing me…was better than the life God had planned for me.
Part of me rationally knew this could not be true. This could not be all life was, but I just could not believe it…yet.
I could not see past.
And, honestly, I did not want to believe it because what if life without the eating disorder actually was not better.
What if?
‘What if’ kept me stuck.
‘What if’ did not allow me to see past the eating disorder.
‘What if’ attempted to keep me from believing.
But…
Once I gave believing a chance, I could see beyond ‘all this.’
I discovered who I was, what I valued, and what sets my soul on fire.
I discovered the real Maggie.
The fear of ‘What If’ keeps us trapped…we have to take a chance and step out. Because really ‘All This’ cannot be it.
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